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Elephant Jokes
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Q. What is grey and not there? A. No elephants. Q. What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk? A. A mouse, going on holiday. Q. What's brown, has four legs, and a trunk? A. The same mouse, coming back from holiday. Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A. 4 o'clock, of course. Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? A. Time to get a new fence. Q. How do you know when elephants have been making love in your garden? A. The grass is rolled flat and all the bin-liners are missing. Q. Why do elephants have big ears? A. Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom. (Noddy, Big Ears, get it?) Q. What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? A. Wipe it off and say you're sorry. Q. How do you fit four elephants into a Mini? A. Two in the front, two in the back. Q. How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house? A. There's a Mini outside with three elephants in it. Q. Why don't elephants play basketball? A. You can't find five elephants willing to wear purple trunks. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a couple of goldfish? A. A pair of swimming trunks. Q. Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools? A. Because they might let down their trunks. Q. Why do elephants have trunks? A. Because they would look silly with glove compartments. Q. How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? A. Take out all the matches first. Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a plum? A. They're both purple... except for the elephant. Q. What's the similarity between an elephant and a blue plum? A. They are both grey. Well, except the plum. Q. What is the difference between en elephant and a plum? A. An elephant is grey. Q. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance? A. "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance" Q. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance? A. "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind) Q. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance? A. Nothing. He doesn't recognize them. Q. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance? A. "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!" Q. What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? A. Optimistic ! Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? A. Free Parking. Q. What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A. Exclusive use of the elevator. Q. Why don't you see elephants in elevators? A. Because they hide in the back corners. Q. Why do elephants wear sandles? A. So that they don't sink in the sand. Q. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A. To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandles. Q. What's big, red and slimey? A. An inside-out elephant. Q. What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside? A. An inside out elephant. Q. Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles? A. So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard. Q. Have you ever found an elephant in your custard? A. No? Well, it must work. Q. Have you ever seen an elephant swimming in the custard? A. No, but that just proves the efficiency of the camouflage. Q. By the way, what is the black triangle sticking out of the custard? A. It's a shark. That's why the elephants hide. Q. How can you tell if an elephant is colorblind? A. You can see its feet sticking out of the custard. Q. Why do elephants live in herds? A. To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles. Q. How do you get an elephant out of the water? A. Wet. Q. How do you get two elephants out of the water? A. One by one. Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? A. Swim for your life. Q. How do you make a dead elephant float? A. Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,..... Q. How are an elephant and a banana just alike? A. They are both yellow . . . . uh . . . . Except for the elephant, of course. Q. How do you smuggle an elephant across the border? A. Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch". Q. What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? A. Sir. Q. What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? A. Anything you want, it can't hear you. Q. Why do elephants drink so much? A. To try to forget. Q. What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? A. An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! Q. Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow? A. So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. Q. What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside? A. Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup. Q. What should you do to a blue elephant? A. Cheer it up. Q. What should you do to a green elephant? A. Wait until it gets ripe. Q. What should you do to a red elephant? A. Quit telling it dirty jokes. Q. What should you do to a yellow elephant? A. Try to teach it to be brave. Q. What should you do to a white elephant? A. Hold it's nose until it turns blue. Q. How do you kill a blue elephant? A. Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. Q. How do you kill a red elephant? A. Strangle it till it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun. Q. How do you kill a green elephant? A. Tell it a dirty joke until it blushes and turns red, then strangle it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun. Q. How do you kill a yellow elephant? A. Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!! Q. What do you know when you see five elephants walking down the street wearing red sweatshirts? A. They're all on the same team. Q. What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? A. They're all on the same team. Q. Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants? A. None of the offspring survived. Q. How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass? A. VERY attractive. Q. How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard? A. The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag! Q. How do you know when an elephant has its period? A. There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing. Q. What did the female elephant say during sex? A. "Can I be on top this time?" Q. What did the elephant say to the nude man? A. Cute, but can you breathe through it? Q. What do elephants use as tampons? A. Sheep. Q. Why do elephants have long trunks? A. Sheep don't have strings. Q. What do elephants use for slippers? A. Sheep! Q. What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A. Walk him and pitch to the girrafe! Q. What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car? A. Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car! Q. What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car? A. Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!! Q. Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car? A. Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car! Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan? A. One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks. Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A. A submarine with a built-in snorkel. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? A. Elephino. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? A. Bloody great big holes all over Australia. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? A. cos(theta), assuming |elephant| = |grape| = 1 Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!? A. That's absurd! A mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector with a scalar! |
Q. How do you know there's an elephant under your bed? A. You suddenly find that you need a ladder to get down and you're not in a bunk bed, there's probably an elephant down there somewhere. Q. How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A. Your nose is touching the ceiling. Q. How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you? A. She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket. Q. How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage? A. By the footprints on the baby's forehead! Q. How can you tell if an elephant has stolen your bicycle? A. There are ruts three feet deep in your yard. Q. Why do elephants wear dark sunglasses? A. With all of these dumb jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized? Q.How do elephants see at night? A. Not very well unless they take off their dark sunglasses. Q. What is large and gray and goes around and around in circles? A. An elephant stuck in a revolving door. Q. What do elephants do for laughs? A. They tell people jokes. Q. What game do elephants like to play most? A. Squash. Q. What did the cat say to the elephant? A. Meow. Q. What did the grape say to the elephant? A. Nothing, grapes can't talk. Q. Why do elephants wear red toenail polish? A. Oops, sorry, no polish jokes allowed. Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A. So they can hide in the strawberry patch. Q. Why do elephants hide in strawberry patches? A. So they can jump out and stomp on people. Q. Why do elephants stomp on people? A. They like the squishy feeling between their toes. Q. Why do elephants wear green nail polish? A. So they can hide in a pea patch. Q. How did the elephant hide in a bottle of sauce? A. He painted himself red. Q. Why did the elephant paint himself black? A. He wanted to fool his shadow. Q. Why do elephants paint themselves green? A. So they can sneak across snooker tables without being seen. Q. Why do elephants wear small green hats? A. So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved. Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green, yellow, orange, and purple? A. So they can hide in bags of Skittles. Q. How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator? A. Look for elephant tracks in the butter. Q. If you see an elephant in your car, what time is it? A. Time to get a new car. Q. Why do elephants have grey skin? A. To keep their insides together. Q. Who is the most famous male singing elephant? A. Harry Elephante. Q. Who is the most famous female singing elephant? A. Elephants Gerald Q. Why don't elephants ride bikes? A. They don't have a thumb to ring the bell. Q. 10 Q A. You're welcome! Q. How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two, but you need a real big bulb. Q. How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? A. Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs. Q. Why do elephants lay on their backs? A. To trip low flying canaries. Q. Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass? A. He wasn't laying on his back. Q. What looks like an elephant and flies? A. A flying elephant. Q. How do you make an elephant fly? A. Start with a 3 foot zipper. Q. What has two tails, two trunks and five feet? A. An elephant with spare parts Q. What's grey and puts out forest fires? A. Smokey the Elephant. Q. What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies? A. You miss most of the picture! Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat? A. A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole! Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant? A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining! Q. What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? A. About 40 lbs. Q. How do you equalize the two? A. Feed the elephant. Q. How many legs does an elephant have? A. Four, two in the front, two in the back. Q. What has two grey legs and two brown legs? A. An elephant with diarrhea. Q. What has 6 legs, 3 ears, 4 tusks, and 2 trunks? A. An elephant with spare parts. Q. What was the elephant doing on the motorway? A. About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world) Q. How do you know if you pass an elephant? A. You can't get the toilet seat down. Q. What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover? A. The sun roof. Q. The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why? A. They were stuck in the VW bug. Q. How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug? A. None, the elephants are in there! Q. How do you get an elephant into a VW? A. Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door. Q. How do you put an elephant into a fridge? A. Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge. Q. What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug? A. Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug. Q. How do you put an elephant into a fridge? A. Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge. Q. How do you get 4 elephants into a VW bug? A. 2 in the front and 2 in the back Q. What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover? A. The sun roof. Q. How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge? A. Footprints in the butter. Q. How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge? A. Two sets of footprints in the butter. Q. How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge? A. Can't get the fridge door closed. Q. How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge? A. There's a VW bug parked outside it. Q. How do you get 8 elephants in a fridge? A. Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's! Q. How do you get Tarzan in the fridge? A. Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door. Q. How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? A. you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO Q. How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge? A. You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan! Q. Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? A. Tarzans fridge is not large enough to hold them all. Q. How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge? A. Depends on the number of elephants. Q. How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? A. It's bike is outside. Q. How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? A. There is a dent in the cross-bar. Q. How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? A. Stand on the bike and have a look in the window. Q. Why do elephants wear sandals? A. So that they don't sink in the sand. Q. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? A. To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. Q. Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead. Q. Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? A. It was glued to the first one. Q. Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? A. It thought it was a game. Q. And why did the tree fall down? A. It thought it was an elephant. Q. How do elephants get up trees? A. They sit on an acorn and fall asleep. Q. How do elephants get down from trees? A.They sit on a leaf and wait for Autumn. Q. Why are crocodiles long, thin and flat? A. They walk under trees in Autumn. Q. How does an elephant get down from a tree? A. It doesn't, you get down from a goose. |
Q. How do you get an elephant up an oak tree? A. Sit it down on an acorn and wait 50 years. Q. What if you don't want to wait 50 years? A. Parachute him from an airplane. Q. Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon? A. That's when the elephants are skydiving. Q. What is a furry alligator? A. A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock. Q. How do you get an elephant out of an oak tree? A. Just wait till the leaves start to drop. Q. Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am? A. Because the elephants are jumping from the trees. Q. Why are pygmies so short? A. Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am. Q. Why are pygmies so short? A. They can't tell time. Q. Whats that red stuff between elephants toes? A. Slow pygmies. Q. What is that stuff between elephants toes? A. Watchless natives. Q. What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie? A. Look what I just stepped in! Q. What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees? A. Elephant boogers. Q. How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree? A. Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it. Q. Why do elephants have red eyes? A. So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees. Q. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? A. He paints his privates red and climbs up a cherry tree. Q. Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? A. No? See, it works!!! Q. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A. A giraffe eating cherries. Q. Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? A. So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys. Q. What sound do monkeys hate most? A. Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Q. What's the biggest drawback of the jungle? A. An elephant's foreskin. Q. Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin? A. When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase. Q. What is the height of ambition? A. An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape. Q. Why do elephants hide behind trees? A. To trip ants. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant? A. A dead ant. Q. What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road? A. Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung). Q. What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road? A. He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!". Q. Why do ducks have flat feet? A. From stamp out forest fires. Q. Why do elephants have flat feet? A. From stamp out flaming ducks. Q. Why are elephants feet shaped that way? A. To fit on lily pads. Q. Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon? A. That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads. Q. Whay are frogs so short? A. They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon. Q. How do you stop an elephant from charging? A. Take away his credit card. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker? A. A two-ton pickup. Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? A. So they can hide in cherry trees. Q. How did Tarzan die? A. By picking cherries! Q. Why did the elephant put tomato sauce in his belly button? A. So he could lie on his back and eat french fries. Q. What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car? A. Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car! Q. What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies? A. You miss most of the picture! Q. How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge? A. 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment. Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant? A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining! Q. What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers? A. Cinderelephant. Q. How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge? A. He asks if you accept Visa. Q. When does an elephant charge? A. When he doesn't have the cash. Q. You're in a phone booth and you see a herd of elephants charging toward you. What do you do? A. Make a trunk call and reverse the charge. Q. Why do elephants wear ice skates? A. They can't play hockey very well on skis. Q. Why do giraffes have long necks? A. For spitting on burning elephants. Q. Why do elephants walk on four feet? A. Because if they flew, you could never keep your car clean. Q. How do you stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle? A. Tie a knot in its tail. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get to the other side. Q. Why did the elephant cross the road? A. To pick up the squashed chicken. Q. Why did the elephant cross the road? A. Chicken's day off. Q. Why did the elephant cross the road? A. He was riding with the chicken. Q. Why did the elephant cross himself? A. The chicken was a bad driver. After they crossed the road, the chicken and the elephant went to church. Q. Why did the elephant cross himself? A. To get to the Other Side. Q. Whatdo you get if you cross a chicken with an elephant? A. I don't know what you'd call it, but Colonel Sanders would have some fun trying to dip it into batter, wouldn't he? Q. Where do you find elephants? A. It depends on where you lost them. Q. What do you say when an elephant sneezes? A. "Gezundheit." Q. Why do elephants travel in herds? A. If they traveled in flocks, they might be mistaken for sheep. Q. Why do elephants travel in herds? A. Because if they traveled in flocks, it would confuse the sheepdogs. Q. Why do elephants live in herds? A. To get a wholesale reduction on shoes with yellow soles. Q. How do you get four elephants into a Mini? A. Two in the front, two in the back. Q. How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge? A. There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini. Q. What do you do when an elephant comes through the window? A. Swim for it... Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a jar of peanut butter? A. A peanut butter sandwich that never forgets. Q. How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in your bathtub? A. You can smell the peanuts on his breath. Q. What's the difference between eating an elephant and eating peanut butter? A. Elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth. Q. What did the peanut say to the elephant? A. Nothing, peanuts can't talk. Q. How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed? A. Peanut shells under the pillow. Q. What's one way to catch elephants? A. Hide in the grass and make a noise like a peanut. Q. Why do elephants wear dark sunglasses? A. With all of these dumb jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized? Q. How do elephants see at night? A. Not very well unless they take off their dark sunglasses. Q. Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly? A. Because if it were small, white, and smooth it would be an aspirin. Q. Why are elephants so wrinkled? A. Have you ever tried to iron one? Q. Why do elephants have wrinkled knees? A. From playing marbles. Q. Why do elephants have wrinkled feet? A. To give the ants a 50-50 chance. Q. Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles? A. They tie their tennis shoes too tight! Q. Why do elephants wear tennis shoes? A. To sneak up on mice. Q. Why do elephants wear tennis shoes? A. Coaches won't let them on the gym floor without them. Q. Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? A. Because white ones get dirty too fast. Q. Why do elephants float on their backs? A. So they don't get their tennis shoes wet. Q. What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish, clomp, clomp, clomp, squish? A. An elephant with one wet tennis shoe. (At least he didn't fall in the river.) Q. Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes? A. Because the white ones always get dirty. Q. Why do elephants float in the river upside-down? A. To keep their blue tennis shoes from getting wet. |
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Q. How do you catch an elephant? A. You will need a jam-jar with a firm lid, a telescope, a black-board and a piece of chalk. And a jungle with elephants, of course. Go to the jungle. Write 2+2=5 on the blackboard. All the elephants will come running and be paralyzed with laughter. While they are busy laughing, turn the telescope the wrong way around and use it to look at the elephants. As they are now very small, you can easily pick them up and put them in the glass and close the lid. Q. What's another way to catch elephants? A. You need a sign that says "Free Peanuts!," a bowl of peanuts, a pair of binoculars, an empty milk bottle, and a pair of tweezers. Put the bowl of peanuts under a tree where the elephants like to walk. Put the sign on the tree over the bowl. When the elephants come to eat the peanuts, look at them through the wrong end of the binoculars. See how tiny the elephants are? Pick up the tiny elephants with the tweezers and put them in the milk bottle. Easy! Soccer Game It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to ZERO, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up." The Jumping Elephant There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no.... An Elephant Story With A Moral One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo." "Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo." Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch. Pachydermic Personnel Prediction A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions. Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior. CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A. 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants. VALIDATION A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics. ACKNOWLEDGMENT This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name. A Scientific Study Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in crap,The second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. "What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist. "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!" Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired. A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. Don't call an elephant, he may come! An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!" Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late; George, dig her out. Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results. It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!? There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a magician." "What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked. "We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk and sawed it in half." "The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked. "No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death." My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom. Deep Thoughts Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. Telephone Joke: "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?" The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants." Knock, knock. Who's there? Elephants. Elephants who? Ella Fintzgerald! ELETELEPHONY Oonce there was an elephant who tried to be a telephant; no no, I mean an elephone who tried to be a telephone. (Dear me I am not certain quite that even now i've got it right) how e'r it was he got his trunk entangled in the telephunk the more he tried to get it free, the louder buzzed the telephee. (i fear i'd better quit this song of elehop and telephong.) A lady while dining at Crewe, Found an elephant's whang in her stew, Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about, Or the others will all want one too!!" The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants. The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire." The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account." The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear." The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s" Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People" The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant" And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant." But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead" Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set out to conquer the known world. After a series of successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that their lone efforts would never prevail. They had to band together under the leadership of the best general they had - "George-the-Turk". George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the world. While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design and build the largest rack here-to-fore made. The rack was then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it. When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle. Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the Turk's army. George the Turk knew that his army must attack quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense. But, alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not keep up with the troops. George the Turk ordered more horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged. George the Turk remembered that Hannibul was not too far away in the mountains with a herd of elephants. Elephants would be better than horses for pulling the rack. So, George the Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent enough elephants for the job. Hannibul agreed and also sent along his best elephant handler. This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay raise. George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay raise. The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant engineer", kept pace with the rapidly moving army. Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river. George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on is command. He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp. This site was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John - to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to conquer the world. With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!! All is quiet. The enemy camp is asleep. Every man is waiting for the signal. The first ray of sunlight strikes the helmet of George the Turk. He draws his sword slowly and holds it over his head. The sunlight gleams off the blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the rack. They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant engineer can't control then. He drops the reins and clings onto the rack for dear life. The rack breaks loose from the team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the enemy camp. All this noise wakes bad King John. He orders an aide to go outside the tent to see what is the cause. The aide takes a hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports: "As near as I can tell -- It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer" !!! Two elephants - Harry & Faye Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way So they boarded a plane They're now kissing in Maine Cause their trunks got sent to L.A. |